Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Breezy, FREEZING day in Sapporo! -__-* save me from all pain!
Hey everyone! Wow it's been a long time. I am so sorry for that, but honestly if you knew even half of it you'd agree that I just couldnt get to it, not because I found it a bother, or etc...but because seriously no time and i had to sort out priorities and such. By the way, a answer to a old comment someone left, that picture from my last entry is of a Japanese singer named Gackt, he's really cool...kinda freaky, but cool. That is most definately not me, thank you very much. Though if I was a man he's a option to choose from i guess if I could do so. And this picture above is also not me, no offense, but that's kinda obvious, so yeah you surprised me with that, whoever it was. x_x
I havent been so great, been having a lot of issues. Japan was one of my dreams, it's great having a big dream like this come true. But I dislike the school mostly, not everyone, but a lot of issues are here. And, well it's a long story. So I dont feel I will explain it all, sorry, I am sure you're relieved about that though right? haha I have been sooo tired lately.
Hey there has been something on my mind lately though...well it's always on my mind, but just wanting to have it out there. Is it crazy to want the truth, even tough you believe, trust and love that person more than anything...? I dont think so...I just feel so lost in everything now. Lately its been running in my head, what do I do next when I get home? I mean there is soo much I have to do, graduate (which I am kinda low on that, I dont think I can do it) I have to get a job, change my last name back to before (dont get any ideas, I was never married, it's just a step last name that I hate and never wanted to change it to that in the first place, but since i'll be 18 this end of summer I'll finally be able to change it back legally) and all of this other crap to do. But...there is something more, I am just lost as to what EXACTLY I am gonna do, instead of just ideas...and HOW?! And alone, can I do it alone? I dont think I have that much strength left throughout my life. I have often wondered...am I SUPPOSED to not be happy, am I not supposed to have what I want...the thing that would make my life and heart complete? Am I supposed to just let it be as it will and try and live painfully for the rest of my life? I mean why not? I have done so so far, so why bother, right? No...? eh? What is it? Oh if only one of you who possibly read this were someone who knew, who could give me THEE answer! The one that would set me free, and give me a new light of truth to know what is what! Please someone save me from whats been struggling inside of me for such a long time.
I find it amazing at how much the human spirit can take. Others loose it fast, but many stand strong and can make it. Me being a Christian...well I know it's because of God and his help that I've made it this far, we are after all...just weak humans, who cant do anything right mostly, even if we are good people...we still make mistakes and sin, it's sad really. Well I am sorry this isnt much, but I honestly have to go, lots of CRAP to go through and put up with, SAVE ME! -weeps- But yeah any way, please pray for me if you are religious, and if not please bid me good will and luck! thanks for that! -winks- I'll try and get some pics uploaded so you people can see Japan!
usagi-chan -^-^-
PS my v-day sucked, well duh, the man i am in love with is GONE! -weeps again in despair-Posted at 11:07 pm by usagi
Monday, November 15, 2004
HELLO!
How is everyone? I have been so extremely busy, you'd never know man! Japan is cool, I love the sites, and meeting new people and friends, but many downfalls to it of course. Teacher issues, trying to pressure and make me learn the language extremely fast...they dont seem to understand that it will take time..especially for me! It's been difficult, but I enjoy seeing the place, and I want to learn at my own pace. I wish more people would understand. Its almost Thanksgiving, and then Christmas! I cant believe it! I keep thinking "Well you've made it this far, you can do it" No matter how much I miss my family, and friends, and him who is ignorant of me, I can do this, I cant give up! Plus I dont want to leave my new friends, not yet...i want to stay as long as i am here. I just wish some people wouldnt make things so difficult. u__u
Lately I have kept having headaches, I mean i always have them even at home in America...but these headaches are different. I really cant explain it. o.o I dont know why i mentioned it. ah stupid!
But I feel so extremely tired, even at trying to get as much sleep as possible. I barely have time for anything, which is very stressful when i have so much to do! My mind feels like it has no more room left! And I just feel terrible. Yet i am staying strong...I am not alone. God is always there, and my family. And of course, I am fortunate in this, I have many friends who are really there for me. And I am thankful for that! ~__^
-sigh- But even during this I feel I have no where to turn, or no where to go, have no idea what I am doing, and so very scared! So I admit I get my courage from old memories that give me hope, or kind words from people I love. Ahh! Though it is a struggle! Wish me luck,k?
any one seen "Finding Neverland" with my darling Johnny Depp (captain jack sparrow...among other characters, lalalala) haha i cant help but call him darling, lol for that is in fact what he is! lala -day dreams- ....any way, if so dont spoil it for me, but I do wish to see it! -weeps- Perhaps I will at least make it back in time to see the second pirates of the carribbean movie, eh? I think it comes out in 2006 in the summer if I read right before. When did, or does the last Star Wars movie come out? If it already did, was it good? I havent liked the new star wars movies that much, i like the old ones better. Ahem...any way, here is a picture I am posting of Gackt. lalaa GORGEOUS MAN! I shall try and write more later on k? Happy Thanksgiving, and a Merry Christmas to you all! Maybe God watch over you, and bring peace and happiness always!
usagi-chan -^-^-
Posted at 03:09 am by usagi
Thursday, October 07, 2004
soooo i am in Japan...just a hello
konnichiwa!
lots going on, but i just wanted to check the web site, i dont have time to write anything, but i will try this or next week ok? ja ne
please email or write me, k? or just say something on the tagboard, i miss everyone! haha
usagi-chan
Posted at 03:43 am by usagi
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Hey! This is a short entry. Did I mention i'm 17 now? heh *I think I did* but it feels so cool, I dunno why but I like 17 the best, even more than 16...But I'll like 18 and 19 better I think. Not sure about 20. haha OK the POINT...my two emails I'll use while in Japan will be stars0211@yahoo.com, and stars0211@hotmail.com this is simply to anyone who looses or forgets those accounts and somehow remembers my blog site. But I'll hopefully be able to still do this blog thing a long with the email accounts once a month. I'll be busy busy. I've actually started writing most of my friends instead of email, while I'm gone, it'll be cheaper for the host family and etc that way. I like getting letters more than emails any way. ^_~ Ok well I must go, I leave next week. Sept. 7th, it's freaking me out. I wont actually be in Japan until Sept. 9th, so it's gonna be interesting. Wish me luck! I hope I do not embarrass myself like I usually do. lol
Bai bai, hopefully I'll get to talk once more before I leave, lots of goodbyes and packing to do.
usagi-chan ^_^
PS Last night was a full moon, it was so pretty, only lasted a few hours, then it changed from a huge orange, back to normal around midnight. I went to see ' Hero' , good movie it was!
If you like 'crouching tiger hidden dragon' stuff, you'll like this one. Some of the same people in it too. It's so pretty with the colors and everything. ^___~ Broken Sword is GORGEOUS man, heh not as gorgeous as Johnny Depp though, oh I wish I could see 'Finding Neverland' while it's out here this fall, (Hero had this preview, I've seen a few before, but this preview was more detailed, heh there was also one called 'The Aviator' based on a true story, with Leonardo DiCaprio...he looked good again *strange* haha) *sniffs* I dunno if they'll have Finding Neverland in Japan, oooo Johnny is beautiful as usual. muuwahaha...ja mata!
Posted at 02:05 pm by usagi
Friday, August 27, 2004
i fell and now it seems i can never get back up...
Well it's 2:01AM right now....and once again i'm awake. Why? Well for a great many reasons...mostly involving my mother's annoying ways of staying up watching the repeat the annoying Olympics, keeping everyone else awake with the loud and bright TV! And partly because I feel sick in my soul all the time, and i'm kind of afraid of sleeping, yet more wish for it since that means I can get away from the world and everything horrible in it for just a short moment (but still in some dreams horrible stuff from the real world leaks in unfortunately...that's why i fear sleep).
I can't get away from anything, I think I should see a counselor or something, I seriously do not feel ok...I mean I'm not going to go kill myself, or cut myself...nothing violent in any way to myself or anyone else!! never!! But everything is so much harder now, it's like my mind has always been ill...and because it's in my body it's making the rest of me ill...and since there is no real cure that I know of (except a miracle) that can help my mind/soul/heart..etc then my body will forever remain this way. Or my mind will just give up automatically without me saying so...meaning I'd then be offically 'insane' or just snap for a little while and not for the rest of my life. I think the only thing holding me back from 'snapping' is the fact that I'm trying so very hard to stop myself because if I did 'snap' then (in my mind) theres no way of life working out then for me. So I have to keep trying, oh but it's so painful in every way possible! You have no idea? And if you do have at least a idea...don't even imagine it...that's my advice to you! I wish I could just fade away...not remember the bad things...and not be around to bother people who apparently (such as family, and some friends) find me bothersome...selfish or whatever else they can fix up simply because I'm a teenager or in their words 'so you say in love with this guy' (I don't care if they wouldn't believe me, or really understand, most of my family and friends I know in person *except a few* are not really there for me...and if they act as if they are they're simply fooling themselves!)
Maybe it'd be easier for everyone I cared about, even him...if I just died...or rather just didn't ever exsist? Or maybe if I seriously just faded away, out of their memory, out of their sight? Which would be the better choice? I'm seventeen...and it feels like I'm still the child I was years ago...always feeling sorry for herself, always making mistakes, always just regretting everything..when really all I was ever trying to do was be happy and make everyone else happy with me. I feel like I've done horrible things, that I'm such a horrible person, (and yet people who know me say I'm like the most innocent, the most nice...I know my whole self and everything else about my actions in life..so I feel like if only they knew they'd hate me just as much as I hate myself) yet I really haven't done anything 'bad'...obviously I've made mistakes...wrong decisions...issues have accured...I'm human..it's natural to sin for us. But it always feels like I am getting nowhere, I don't want to have a life of sadness anymore...even before the love of my life left....there has always been something that felt like it was killing me...but never this bad it seems, considering the pain in my heart.
Gosh I'm such a complainer, I talk too much. Perhaps I feel like it'll make me feel better? Help me in some unknown way? I doubt it...since it never leads to any answers to the questions I ask. Even 'advice' is not really a 'answer'..therefore I am seemly always standing alone surrounded by fog...and I can't see a thing...I can only hope that maybe this next step I take leads me out of the fog and into a happy place. You know I pray to God, I believe in him and Jesus Christ..all of that Christian stuff. I trust in him that everything will be ok, I honestly don't understand how a human being in this horrible world can survive without any sort of religion..I find it quite confusing. I'm very openminded...so I don't judge people...but things do confuse me. I can respect other people's reasons, opinions etc of things...I don't act negative to them like some people. But that doesn't mean I exactly agree of course, because then that would sometimes be denying my own beliefs, correct? I believe so....
It's hard...being alive. I know it can be worse for someone in this world, many people have had much harder lives, much worse experiences...and that's terrible. But that doesn't mean that less painful lives aren't as horrible. Maybe someday I'll be ok? I wait for the day when I'll be happy in my future home with the person I love so much next to me always, perhaps a family...no more pain, just peace and happiness. No more fights with family members now, no more loosing the people I love. I wait for this day, whenever it might come, but how I do wish it's soon.
I used to think many things, but always it's been nothing but tears. And the one time I did go to a counselor she tried to make it into one of those 'I was raped as a child..but it's a hidden memory I blocked out!' what the heck?! X___X she didn't say it of course, but certainly kept going to that crap...which didn't happen, it was like she was trying to make it up and brainwash me into believeing 'Oh I probably was, but I can't remember!!' stupid idiot!
Basically I didn't trust her, everything I said she twisted and almost completely changed it. Some friends are good counselors...but since you don't get answers from them mostly it's hard to keep going without feeling like you're a bother even if they say you're not! I wish I had a clear sign from God....a sign of what is what...and everything else in my life right now. And if this man hates me, if everything is over, and even if he never comes back or tells me his choice or whatever....I've prayed so much that God would take away my love for him..if that's what he wants so much, but he hasn't and I still cry and feel like my soul is being taken right out of my body. I can't move on because I still love him...and since my love is true love and true love is eternal...well it pretty much sounds like a life of misery for me if he doesn't come back. Unlike him, I would have never done anything purposely to hurt him..if that is indeed what he's doing? I don't know...I know NOTHING! Still....I know nothing.. still my mother treats me the way she does, yet seems to be nice for a breif moment then it's gone...still my brothers are rude to me then turn it around and say I'm the one who is the horrible older sister. Still I am a child in the eyes of my family, and apparently everyone else when they find out my age...and just like that they change their behaviors around me..the way they talk to me, everything. At first they think I'm 19 or something, then I say 'i'm 17' ...then everythings different. -____- Why is this? I don't treat people different when they tell me they're 14! I don't do that to anyone! I'm still kind, I'm still the same person. I don't act any different! I don't understand this? They act like age has something to do with personality and maturity. Nope...the teenagers who act the way they do...they know what they're doing...or else they're just dumb or on drugs...etc. They don't have to act that way, not everyone has to act the way they do. But for children and such...no one ever stops to think and wonder why so many of them do! Perhaps it's partly, if not completely, because their parents..or whoever it is 'taking care' of them isn't treating them right, or is just not caring enough to even talk to them? There are many possibilities here. But I'm just saying...people who are 40 are idiots...and many children at 7 are the smartest in the world. And also 'Love'...it has no age limits! There are different kinds of love of course, but there is no limits to how much you can love someone, or how long you have or forever will! If it's true love...then it'll always be with you..without you being able to control it.
I suppose I should go...it's 2:37AM now....and I'm not getting anywhere.
I am tired, yet I can't sleep even if I tried. I hate that. I hate everything right now. I wish the tears would stop...but I'm afraid they control themselves? ~___~ Do you know anything? Can you help me? Can you fix everything? No...but your kind words are certainly helpful for a short moment in time for me, which is a big help in not completely believing that I'm truly alone...
Posted at 02:40 am by usagi
